Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
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87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please