“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
You Might Also Like
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY