I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
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Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
every college guy’s fridge
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going