*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
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I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
called in thicc to work this morning
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
🤣