My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
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Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.