[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
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jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Great acting.. 😂
Battery falling down a hole
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
#parenting
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.