Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
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Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Cause of death: Zumba
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.