My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
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[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.