WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
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[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites