Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
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Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*