[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
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[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.