“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
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– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure