the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
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Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.