I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
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My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶