Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
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Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.