If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
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I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Merica.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
But I really needed water water water
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch