I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
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[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.