When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
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🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
“I may not be a “pilot” or know anything about “flying”, but here’s how I’d land this baby…”
– what teachers hear when parents tell them how to run their classrooms
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
huge valentines day plans this year!!