I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
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Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
I would like even faster food.
motivation
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.