4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
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ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade