Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
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My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”