Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
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[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
*first date*
Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*
“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!