Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
You Might Also Like
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Wait a minute…
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.