Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
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I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed