this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
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I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
That’s it.I’m out.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.