You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
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coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]