If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
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handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings