“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
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ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
me doing my best
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne