“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
? 💀
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*