If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
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somebody come look at this
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Breaking news:
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
🤔😂😂
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
So, can we agree on 4 or
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?