I’ve had relationships like this
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Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
NEVER LET THE PUBLIC NAME STUFF.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me