I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
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Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
me when i see my girls butt