I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
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LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I will never fall victim to Groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest bullshit you’ve ever heard
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?