[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
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Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere