*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
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Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
I didn’t come here to be called names
Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.