[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
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ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.