[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
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My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
We’ve come full circle
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Thursday Thought.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.