I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
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Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
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me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?