i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
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World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
White parent Vs Arab parents
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –