My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
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IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
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.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really