My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
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[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.