She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
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ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
cat vs inanimate object
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Every damn time
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”