Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
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Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps