If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
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girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.