the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
You Might Also Like
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄