I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
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If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
what?
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.