*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
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[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
o shit
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
O Wise One….
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
no cat here