[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
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A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
Home is where your toilet is.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.