The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
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when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”