My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
You Might Also Like
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“You drive, I’m tired.”
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.